June 2020
The 2nd.
“The will to be polite, to maintain civility and normalcy, is fearfully strong. I wonder sometimes how much evil is permitted to run unchecked simply because it would be rude to interrupt it.” —The Ten Thousand Doors of January by Alix E. Harrow
God, could the world be any shittier right now? Knock on wood. The world feels endlessly, terminally on fire. Layers and layers of violence, pain, death, uncertainty, and hopelessness. Everything is disheartening and exhausting and scary. Hopefully it will change things. I really think it will, at least in changing people’s awareness, which is another step in the right direction. I know it has definitely deepened my awareness of my own complicity.
The 8th.
“One of the most potent allies we humans have always had in our emotional healing, in this or any stage of life, is the natural world itself. Time spent alone in nature, in which we offer our attention outward to the complex, mysterious, always fascinating wild, puts our troubles in perspective and allows us to re-root our awareness in self- sustaining and inspiring rhythms and cycles.” —Bill Plotkin, Nature and the Human Soul
It’s a little chilly out here by the river this morning. The water glitters as if it’s no big deal. And I am hoping to catch a little of its power and enthusiasm as I begin my day, my week.
I feel such a lack of control and agency in my emotional and mental space right now. I’ll be in a rhythm and a flow and suddenly that flow is hijacked. Something happens in the world or in my world and it’s too much. Way too much. It’s difficult for me to move on from it. I shut down. I disconnect. It takes a lot for me to restart and reconnect. And when I do, I feel panicked. I feel scared that I must make up for lost time. I feel guilty that I squandered my time (when really it isn’t “squandered”; but I often have to unexpectedly recover my emotional and mental health). I feel behind. I feel discouraged. I don’t want to get started, for fear I will gain momentum and this will just happen again.
The 10th.
“Oh, the things we’ll do, the life we’ll lead! There’ll be trouble in it at times — you and I aren’t going to run without friction. But we’ve got the brains to get over that, and tongues in our heads to talk to each other. We sha’n’t hang up on any misunderstanding. Not us. And we’re going to fight that old world down there.” —Ann Veronica by H.G. Wells
Today is my love’s birthday and that is all that is important about today. I love him so much. <3
The 11th.
I just looked at my projects list and felt so discouraged. So many of those things were gently percolating, and now they’re not. My approach relies on gentle percolation, and if that’s interrupted, it takes a while to get it going again. It’s all learning. And it helps me realize where I need to firm up some boundaries. Because the cost to me is so great otherwise.
Ah well. Things can be messy. I’m allowed to need a lot of space to be at my best. I eventually will get back on track.
The 12th.
“I’m simply discovering that life is many-sided and complex and puzzling. I thought one had only to take it by the throat. It hasn’t GOT a throat!” —Ann Veronica, H.G. Wells
I don’t know why I’m so aware of time right now. It’s not that I even care about “being productive.” I just want to have agency. I feel closed in, like I have so little choice.
My heart is fearful right now. I don’t know how to describe it or validate it. It feels like my anxiety tripwire has been tripped and I’m struggling to reset it. I want to be able to meet myself compassionately in it, but it’s very difficult. I don’t really want to write about it because I know it will be the anxiety speaking, and it won’t be productive.
But I need to write, in order to survive. I don’t know what I’d do without it. I think I would be mentally very ill. But sometimes it’s harder. Sometimes I don’t want to put my feelings on a piece of paper and make them tangible. It’s too much.
The 16th.
I want to write something for Juneteenth. What do I want to say? What feels genuine? How do we live out Black Lives Matter? What does an equal world look like, where white supremacy doesn’t exist? How do we work toward that? As a white person, how can I help change systems that I personally benefit from? If I believe Black Lives Matter, how does that change my behavior? What would a world in which Black Lives Matter look like?
Man, it is difficult to hold a vision for a company while all this is needed. I don’t even know how we do it with any amount of integrity. It’s so hard when people are grieving and afraid and the whole system is against them.
I believe it’s worth it to believe in the potential for change. Although I know many are rightly skeptical. And when the urgency passes, who knows how much of this “education” will stick. How can we build it into our ongoing approach?
It’s been more than three months now since we’ve had contact with anyone outside of our household. I don’t even know what to think or say about the future. This feels like it will never end.
The 17th.
One of our co-workers and dear friends had their mom pass away unexpectedly. She was amazing, and so young. I don’t know what we should do; there is so much grieving to be done.
The 18th.
I’m being interviewed for a podcast this afternoon, and I’ve been putting a lot of pressure on myself to “be in a good place” for it. I need to let that go. I will be in some kind of place anyway.
This week has been heavier than the heavy that already was.
The 20th.
Our friend’s mom’s funeral service was incredible. She was an amazing woman, and it encourages me to think of how much impact one person can have. She was certainly an extrovert and found it effortless (and even deeply necessary for her well-being) to connect and care for others. That is not me, at all. At least not the connection part. But I do want to grow into my connection and care in my own way.
I’m still grappling with the question of how to show up. Jocelyn Glei did an excellent podcast on the feeling that we need to heal ourselves before we show up. It’s kind of a non-acceptance of where we’re currently at and who we currently are. We are saying that who we are is not enough for whatever it is we (eventually) want to be present with. This feels exactly like where I’ve been with social media. I have been waiting until I am whole. I have been waiting until I can be sure I will be accepted, and acceptable. (Also I am so indecisive about whether social media is something I want to use at all. Is it a valid choice to just…not? Would that be hiding from my own voice or is it just wiser to stay away?)
The 23rd.
“What a fool one makes of oneself, and knowing it all the while.” —The Great Fire by Shirley Hazzard
Sometimes you need a hard relapse to make you realize why the choices you’ve made are the choices you’ve made. Tonight felt like a landslide back into Internet zombie mode. Sometimes I wish I was more “connected” and then a night like this happens and I’m like “hell no.” The Internet is a shitty life. It’s good as a resource, but it’s shitty as a way to spend your time. Sure you can get used to it…you can get used to anything. But when you’re weaned from it and you allow it to take over, even for just a few hours, you realize how much better you feel when you don’t allow yourself to go there.
I’m glad it’s nighttime and tomorrow is a new day. I hate the Internet. Seriously. For all its gifts, it is one nasty master. Whenever I feel jealous of people who have an incredibly put together social media life, I will remember…to do that, they have to be on social media. Like, a lot. I don’t even like being on it for what? An hour and a half? Seriously I think that’s all it took for me to want to become a literal hermit for the rest of my days. Why do I even touch the stuff? It’s so bad for me.
The 25th.
Now that I’m almost through with launching the 2nd edition of Gather the People, I’m excited to have clarity on the next book I need to be working on, one that will establish &yet’s positioning.
People-First Growth. Is that the name??? Maybe it is. It feels like it is.
The 26th.
“All of these years of thinking ended up like this: in front of all this beauty, understanding nothing.” —Bruce Cockburn
This morning was beautiful, but all I remember of the rest of the day is staring at screens and wild children excited about Korean meatballs and cupcakes from the bakery down the street. Mine had sprinkles and teal frosting and a white chocolate shell in the shape of a spiral. It tasted terrible.
I’m always so disappointed when the day’s frenzy dies down and I have no energy left to enjoy the calm. But maybe I can learn to enjoy exhaustion. Maybe there is a quality of bone-tiredness that feels good.
The 30th.
“I am persuaded that fear brings one into more dangers, than the caution, that goes along with it, delivers one from.” —Pamela by Samuel Richardson
I feel myself slowly loosening my grip on all the things that have kept me feeling safe. Isn’t it strange that I would do that during one of the most uncertain times our world has experienced in my lifetime? But it also makes sense. My systems for feeling safe can’t keep up with this level of stress and uncertainty. I tried getting more systematic at first. It didn’t work. Now I need to try letting go, which is the much harder thing.