March 2021
The 3rd.
Deep breaths. Sometimes it feels like my life is running along ahead of me. But while I’m noticing a need to slow down and reflect, I actually think things are borderline good for me right now. I have some good routines in place, but my life is not moving so slowly that I’m wallowing in indecision. I’m not having to create a life out of nothing. There are needs that I’m responding to.
The 5th.
Man, I’m so tired. This week/two weeks/month has been intense. I’m ready for it to be over. I want to get back to my projects. I really enjoy thinking and reading and writing, and I haven’t been into it lately. Whenever I have time to myself, I only have the energy to play solitaire. I don’t even like it anymore and still, that’s what I do.
I think I need to give myself space to actually enjoy myself when I do have free time. I don’t know what that’s going to take though.
The 7th.
I’m starting to realize how much my decision-making is influenced by the desire to make other people happy with me. I really want their approval. But some decisions I need to make are completely opposed to that approval. I think I can maybe have both and then I realize I’ve been lying to myself.
The 9th.
“On the verge of a decision we all tremble: hope pauses with fluttering wings.” —Adam Bede by George Eliot
What if we get to a point where it no longer makes sense to push our company in this direction I’ve been leading? Part of that would be scary. But also it could be liberating. I have tried this path for a long time. I have learned a ton about leadership and about myself and about building emergent systems. I would be scary to try something new, but it would be exciting, and also a relief in some ways.
If that were to happen, what do I not want?
A model that depends on trading time for money.
A strategy that depends on me pushing and striving and being anything other than myself.
To position myself as an expert (while at the same time I love teaching and learning).
To be solely responsible for another person’s success/failure/revenue/etc.
What would be magical?
If I could just write.
If I could make things that delight me.
If I could make what is true for me and not have to worry about whether it’s true for anyone else.
If I could continue to hone my system and trust that it’s enough.
If I could work in cooperation and collaboration with others, rather than be the primary decision-maker all the time.
If I could work in a beautiful environment, doing things in a somatic, embodied way.
I don’t think it matters as much what I’m doing, but the way I’m doing it.
The 10th.
Things to think about when making decisions:
If everyone were to automatically rejoice with me in my decision, no matter what I chose, what would I choose?
Whose needs are the priority in this situation, from highest to lowest?
What are the desires of the highest priority individuals?
What are the needs of the highest priority individuals?
What do I want the outcome to be?
What do I think the best approach is?
What would make me really happy?
What are my needs and desires?
How can I meet my needs and desires as I make the right decision here?
The 13th.
Free time! Freedom doesn’t necessarily bring a sense of ease and comfort for me. It brings a set of complex feelings. On the one hand, it’s what I long for, and on the other hand, I don’t know what to do with it. It’s a good opportunity to pay attention to my heart, now that I am in a safe place to do that. But my heart doesn’t always have coherent, immediate answers. I don’t think it’s too concerned with what I do. There is an eagerness tinged with an anxiousness within me that is concerned with what I do though. Observing the interplay and the tension between them is interesting. It also takes courage and patience to sit in that discomfort. My capacity for that is not very high. I do not want to lose my good, free feelings.
And so I will look at my options and see if there is a particularly resonant one. One must do something after all, and not get lost in the mind’s labyrinths.
The 14th.
Today I am wondering if our business model is relevant to the modern world without force. I do believe we could force it. But that’s not something I’m willing to do any longer. As we implement our approach and continue to see few sales close (and none of significance) I am beginning to doubt that we can achieve our ideals within the constraints that we have.
Of course, we have 3 months left until we would officially need to consider a contingency plan. But I’m not sure I need that much time in order to give me the information I’ve been looking for to either validate or invalidate this model I’ve been leading us toward.
I do believe there is a fair amount of luck and chance involved, and luck gets more likely the more time you give it. But I am preparing myself, mentally and emotionally, for my own mind to change about what is both possible and doable within our resources.
What would I do if I could not fail? I would likely just focus on my own writing. I would work on my book, work on my essays, work on my newsletter. And I would look for opportunities to collaborate on existing projects. I would allow things to come to me, rather than try to force a particular thing.
In an ideal world, I would need time to decompress from the role I’ve held for so long. I would need space to figure out what I wanted to do. I would see how my relationship with the world would change, and what I see from that vantage point. I wouldn’t want to rush it.
I would have lots of exploratory conversations. I would take my time and allow for possibility. That would be difficult to do while worried about money, but it would be possible.
It would be the ultimate test of my emergent process.
I used to think companies were these magical places that had so much power and could allow you to increase your value—“grow with the company”—and that would be reflected in your title and position. Having been CEO of one and consultant to others much larger, I no longer believe that is true. There is no company, no position I would feel more validated by holding a particular role there. All companies are flawed because they are made up of flawed people. Their power exists in a way, and at the same time it is also a mirage.
I am grateful for my experiences on the organizational side for what they have truly given me—a new sense of value in and of my own self.
That doesn’t mean economic realities aren’t real or worrisome. But I am in a position where I can build on what I have gained, starting afresh but not without resources—the greatest resource of all being my orientation to myself and to the world.
The 29th.
“It is the favourite stratagem of our passions to sham a retreat, and to turn sharp round upon us at the moment we have made up our minds that the day is our own.” —Adam Bede by George Eliot
I’m noticing a connection between yoga and work/creative life. When we’re doing yoga, we may notice a part of the body that feels sore or cranky or “caught.” When that happens, we know that part of the body needs attention.
This happen in our creative/work lives, too. Something we’re doing feels a little off. we may find ourselves wanting to avoid it or fix it…fight, flight, or freeze. But what that thing really needs is gentle, loving attention.
I have a couple of things that are coming up for me today. The essay I’m working on feels like it’s gotten big. Unwieldy. Lots of good juicy feedback to integrate but also…ack. It’s a lot. the part I’m at now feels stubborn. Or I feel stubborn. I know it needs work, but I don’t really want to do the work. I’m out of ideas for that particular section, even though it’s such a rich topic. I don’t know where I want to go with it yet.
And then there’s this collaboration opportunity. I feel a little lost with it. I’ve gone from one extreme to the other in where I take these types of proposals, and I know the middle path is what’s needed But it’s also so hard. I don’t know what it will look like and I’m afraid of entering into an engagement where the value we are offering isn’t clear. I feel very stuck.
Then I’m meeting with a bigwig today,and that feels intimidating. I don’t have a clear understanding of what would be valuable to him.
Ugh. Gentle, loving attention. Right.